Protecting Secrets

In the beginning I had one secret. But it seems like that secret lead to another one and then that one lead to another. It's hard work protecting all your secrets - knowing that if just one comes out, everything will come unraveled.

There are just things I don't really want people to know about me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. (So here I am blogging about it to the world - but I haven't really shared with anybody I know that I'm keeping this blog.)

It was not my fault that I was molested. I can not help how it affected me. I was 10. I was confused. I was scared. And I didn't go to my parents for help. I couldn't see then how it was affecting me and in fact it was only a few years ago that I began to understand the effects it had on me. I wish I had gotten help sooner because the problem just kept getting worse.

It has taken me a long time but I have finally learned that I can't 'wish' problems away or even 'pray' them away. I have to be willing to do some work to resolve them. I can't resolve them unless I meet them head on. I have to rise above my fears and my embarrassment and I have to 'trust' that God has placed people in my path to help me through. HE has taken care of me all this time and now I feel Him telling me that THIS is the time to step out of my comfort zone and get serious about healing. He will be there for me. He will get me through the fear. He will help me overcome the embarrassment and shame I feel. He will bring healing to my life and to my marriage and to my family. (We are not broken. But we could be stronger.)

The day I talked with Father D, he said to me (something to the effect) "I'm convinced that the time is right. I am convinced that you are ready to heal." He might be right but....

....I'm scared. I'm really scared. I'm scared to let go of all the secrets.