7th Grade

I walk fast. I walk with a sense of purpose. I walk to get from point A to point B. I walk with my head down or my eyes focused straight ahead. Secretly, I hope that I don't see anybody I know. What will I say if I do? I think I started walking that way in about the 7th grade. This is how I remember it.

After I was molested in the 5th grade, I started questioning whether or not I could trust my feelings and instincts. It's a very scary thing not to be able to trust your instincts. I wasn't totally sure I COULDN'T, but I wasn't totally sure I COULD, either. I was still trying to figure it out when 7th grade happened.

7th grade. We were 12 and 13 years old. I came back to school after summer break and something had happened. People in my class were different. Suddenly there was a big emphasis on boy/girl relationships. Hand holding, making out, going steady. It seemed to me at the time that EVERYBODY had paired off or was wanting to pair off. I wasn't there yet. I was NOT interested in holding anybody's hand or kissing any boy on the lips.

As an adult, I can look back and understand that all children mature at different times. Very likely, I just wasn't there yet and wouldn't have been there even if I hadn't been molested. But I was 12 then and didn't have the benefit of an adult thought process. In my mind, this was just verification. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO FEEL. In my mind, if other 12 year olds were feeling this way, then I should also be feeling this way. Something is definitely wrong with me. I really DON'T know how to feel. I can't trust myself to feel the way I'm supposed to. Something is wrong. I didn't like it when HE touched me. It was supposed to feel good. I was supposed to like it. Yes, something was definitely wrong with me.

I couldn't let anybody know how I felt. I had to keep these feelings a secret. I didn't want anybody to know how weird I was. I lost all confidence in myself.

I remember walking down the sidewalk as a 7th grader and in the distance I would see one of my classmates walking toward me. I am weird. They won't want to talk to me. This would be someone who I had gone to school with for 7 years. Someone who had never spoken an unkind word to me. But for some reason, in my mind, I didn't think they'd want to bother to even speak to me. I'd look down - or around - or straight ahead - but I would NOT make eye contact with them when we passed. I wanted them to think I didn't SEE them. It's not rude to not speak if you don't see someone. But always - always - the other person would speak as we got close. It was not other classmates who made me feel bad about myself. I was not teased or ridiculed by them. I projected all these negative feelings on myself.

By the time I got to high school, I was like a fish out of water. It's hard to make friends when you can't even trust that it's okay to say hi to someone. Thankfully, a couple of people reached out to ME - and I was able to respond to their kindness. The friendships I developed were few - but they were true and good. I was blessed.