Counseling is hard work. No wonder I put it off for so long!
I don't like not being able to fix my own problems.
I don't like crying in front of other people. It makes me feel vulnerable. I don't like admitting that this incident has caused me years of anguish and pain.
For years, I didn't deal with how I actually felt. As a matter of fact, I tried to deny to myself how I actually felt. I told myself that he didn't physically hurt me - so he didn't hurt me at all. Then when I finally figured out that it DID hurt me, I reasoned that I should just get over it. It wasn't that big of a deal. After all, I'm an adult now. I can look at it from a whole different perspective. As an adult, I can look at the situation and understand that HE was wrong to touch me. MY feelings and instincts were right all along. I said NO! I tried to stop it from happening. HE didn't listen. HE forced himself. All of this is true - but it didn't automatically give me my confidence back.
By trying to deal with how I WISHED I felt - or how I thought I SHOULD have felt - I just masked the problem of how I DID feel.
I have been given the opportunity to try to heal through counseling. I have made a decision to be as honest as I possibly can about my true feelings. No matter how embarrassed I am, I know she will not be able to help me if I am not honest - with myself and with her. So no matter how hard it is to share - I have to trust her. And if I have to cry, then I just have to cry!
Counseling is not easy. It is NOT for the weak.
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I created this blog as a way to organize my thoughts and feelings. While I recognize that my feelings have room to grow in a different direction, I am not keeping this blog as a place to seek advice. I have a therapist who is helping me to grow at a pace that is comfortable for me. Encouragement is welcome. Advice is not!
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