Eventually, my husband started drinking more. I noticed that when he drank, he didn't expect anything from me. Secretly, I started to like it when he drank. It was a relief for me not to have to worry about whether or not we'd have to 'do it.' It got to the point that he drank every night.
I'm so ashamed. My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me. He loves me unconditionally and would do anything in the world for me. I'm so blessed. And I was content to sit back and watch him become an alcoholic rather than address my own problems. It doesn't matter that I didn't realize the root of the problem until recent years. What matters is that I KNEW I had a problem and sacrificed his health and well being rather than address it.
And now we had another secret to protect - his alcoholism. Well, it isn't a secret from everybody. Some people know the extent of his alcoholism. Others don't have a clue. It doesn't interfere with his daily living. He's never let me or the kids down in any way. It doesn't interfere with his work or his responsibilities to his family. He's always dependable. But what is he doing to his health? He's killing himself. And he does it to escape the pain of lack of intimacy.
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I created this blog as a way to organize my thoughts and feelings. While I recognize that my feelings have room to grow in a different direction, I am not keeping this blog as a place to seek advice. I have a therapist who is helping me to grow at a pace that is comfortable for me. Encouragement is welcome. Advice is not!
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