Poem - A Prayer

I want to include this poem because I think it shows a faith well formed for such a young person. I seem to have had a clear understanding that God had created me for a specific purpose. I think I somehow knew that something was blocking me from fulfilling that purpose. I find it interesting that included in this poem is the line 'let this be my prayer till I die.' Until a few days ago, I didn't even remember writing this poem - but I still pray every day that God will teach me to love as He loves, to give of myself, to find the goodness in others, and to forgive. God is faithful.

A PRAYER

Our Father, Who Art in Heaven,

Let this be my prayer till I die.

Teach me to love as you love, care as you care,
To give of myself all that I can give.
To find the goodness in others, not badness.
Teach me to forgive as easily as you forgive.

To use the precious gift you have given me
So that others may understand themselves better
And their lives will not be wasted.

So that nations will understand each other better
And thousands of lives will not be wasted.

Teach me to use the gift you have given me,
So that my life will not be wasted.

Help me Lord and stay by my side
For my living has only begun.

And I will feed your hungry,

And clothe your poor

And spread your name and all that is right.

I want to share my wealth with everyone.
Not only material possessions, but also the richness of laughter, love and peace.

I love and trust in You, for You are my Father
And thank you, Father for letting me live!

Amen

Poem - Dreaming

Here is another poem that expresses confidence that a better day is coming.

DREAMING

Sometimes, I wonder, where I'll go,
Who I'll be five years from now
And all the time still I know.
I'll get somewhere, someday, somehow.

I want to stand on a mountain top
And ski down it's loft slope.
And fly like an eagle, high in the sky
And touch the heavenly cope.

I want to write a happy song
For people to sing together
I want to see the whole world smile
And the happiness last forever.

I want to help the blind to see,
the mute speak, the deaf to hear.
I want to feed the hungry and
And fill their hearts with cheer.

I have so many hopes and dreams
I think I'll start today
To fill each one to its extreme -
I KNOW I'LL FIND A WAY.

Poem - Prisoner

Here is another poem in which I likened myself to a prisoner and expressed the desire to be free.

PRISONER

Locked up inside myself,
I look at the world around me.

I see.....
cars, trains, jets, lights, buildings,
signs, machines, money and people,
all rushing by - so fast, I can't see.

I hear....
horns, whistles, bells, motors, sirens, alarms, shouts, screams, coughs & voices
all talking - so loud, I can't hear.

I feel...
so lost and frightened, smothered, defeated, unimportant and uncounted.

Where are the mountains and trees, the rivers and oceans and fields and prairies?

Where do I listen to hear the roar of the sea, the wind and the birds and to hear myself think?

In a world of mass confusion..
Where do I fit in?

I WANT TO BE FREE!

Poem - Alive

I have to laugh at this poem. It almost sounds like a threat! Do I detect something of a fighting spirit deep within??

ALIVE

I AM ALIVE!

RECOGNIZE ME-

THE SHY LITTLE GIRL YOU SHUN!

SOMEDAY, YOU'LL SEE -

SOMEDAY, I'LL BE.

AND YOU'LL ACCEPT ME THEN!

Poem - It's Good to Know Somebody Cares

Obviously, God drew close to me. I felt His presence. Though I never heard His voice, He somehow assured me that everything would be okay.

IT'S GOOD TO KNOW SOMEBODY CARES

Times when I'm troubled, I always turn to you,
'Cause I know you'll be there to see me through,
To pick me up whenever I fall,
To answer me whenever I call.

And sometimes, I just don't understand
Why you stick around,
When after all the countless times
I've seemed to let you down.
But whenever I need you, you're always there,

And it's good to know somebody cares
When everything seems to be going wrong.

Whenever I feel lonely and scared,
I just whisper your name and I know you're there.
Though I can't see your eyes and your voice is silent,
Somehow, I can just feel you smiling,
And I know everything is going to be alright.

And I just don't think I could make it,
If you weren't by my side.
So, I'm asking you, Lord, to stay nearby.
And if I hurt you along the way,
I can only say 'I'm sorry'
And make it up somehow,
And I want to do something to make you proud
Because I love you and you're always there,

And it's good to know somebody cares,
When everything seems to be going wrong.

Poem - Shining Bright

This poem expresses my desire to put the past behind me and step confidently into the future. In fact, I seem to be expressing confidence that it WILL happen. I think that is called HOPE.

SHINING BRIGHT

Look, I'm a bird
Flying high in the sky!!
I'm FREE as the wind,
The clouds pass me by.
My feathers are light
And troubles are few,
The sky is gray and still it's blue.

Look,I'm a boat
Sailing the seas!
Over the tides,
Like a dolphin, I'm free.
Through the channels,
Into the bay,
Trouble just get out of my way.

'Cause my life is short and you're no friend
You're nothing but trouble and you can't come in.
No sense knocking at my door,
I've had enough, I won't take anymore.

I've taken wings and flown away
And finally I've found a better day.
Each hour is better than the last
AND YOU'RE JUST AN EXPERIENCE FROM THE PAST.

Give me a dime, and I'll sail to Spain
Tomorrow, I'll come back again.
And if you're there, you'll have to leave
Because I haven't time to sit and grieve.

See, I'm a star, shining my light
Among thousands lost, I'm glowing bright.
And one thing I know
There ain't no doubt
I'll shine bright 'till I'm all shined out!!

So look out trouble, get out of my way!
I've finally found a better day.
Life is short and you're no friend.
No sense knocking, you can't come in.

Poetry

Reading through the poems I wrote as a teenager I can see that the underlying theme of many of them was the desire to 'break free.' In some of them it appears I was feeling just overwhelmingly sad - but in others I detect a spirit of hope rising up and trying to take over. Some of these poems also express the FAITH that obviously gave birth to the hope I was feeling. Thanks be to God - who did not abandon me when I needed Him most, but silently drew close to the child who couldn't trust her inner most thoughts and feelings to anyone else. I have time to type today so think I will include these poems in my blog as separate entries.

Prisoner

This is a poem I wrote as a teenage girl. Reading it now I can see I was expressing my desire to feel free to express myself - to confidently share my thoughts and views of people and the world around me. At that point in my life, I had become confused and afraid that I couldn't trust my instincts and feelings. I was afraid of saying something inappropriate or offensive - or just down right stupid. In most situations I chose to avoid expressing myself at all. I still experience this confusion with certain people and in certain situations. Only now - I think I am beginning to learn how to break the chains. Here is my poem.

IT'S HARD BEING A PRISONER

It's hard being a prisoner, seeing life pass you by.
It's hard breaking out, when the cell is in your mind.
It's hard finding tomorrow, hanging on to yesterday,
It's hard linking the pieces, when you can't break the chains.

Years ago, I built a prison
And housed it in my mind.
Convicted myself of worthlessness
And locked myself inside.
I watched the world revolve
And my friends all slip away
I lived alone with emptiness
And bound myself with chains.
And now I try to leave my cell
But it's hard hanging on to the key -
It's hard being the person
Nobody has ever seen.

And it's hard being a prisoner, seeing life pass you by.
It's hard breaking out, when the cell is in your mind.
it's hard finding tomorrow, hanging on to yesterday.
It's hard linking the pieces, when you can't break the chains.

There's dreams I want to build on,
And songs I want to write.
There's stories I want to tell the world
And candles I want to light.
There's faces I'd like to meet
And places I'd like to go,
But it's hard chasing dreams,
You think you could never know.

And it's hard being a prisoner, seeing life pass you by.
It's hard breaking out, when the cell is in your mind.
It's hard finding tomorrow, hanging on to yesterday
It's hard linking the pieces, when you can't break the chains.

The Teenage Girl

Today I remember a teenage girl....

who was very shy

and very lonely.

Who had few friends - (but the friends she had were the best.)

She could talk with them and laugh with them

She could share things with them - some things that is - not EVERYTHING.

She lacked the confidence to express herself - except in her poems.

She wrote lot's of poems - some expressed loneliness, others frustration but most expressed hope and a faith well formed for one so young.

Crying

Yesterday after blogging I attempted to shift gears and move on with the rest of the day. A few games of Free Cell ought to do it.

But in the middle of about the 2nd or 3rd game, I suddenly felt I was going to cry. I didn't want to. I was at home. My family was at home - sleeping - but they were home. I didn't want somebody to wake up and see my crying. I tried to change my thoughts, but it didn't work. Tears started leaking anyway.

I went into the bathroom, closed and locked the door and let go. I don't remember the last time I cried like that. The sobs came from deep down. I felt like a little girl.

I felt restless the rest of the day. Had to stay busy or I'd start crying again.

I tried to knit. That usually relaxes me. But knitting doesn't take enough concentration for me. Before I knew it, I felt tears coming again.

Finally, I decided to clean out and organize the cabinet under the bathroom sink. I pulled everything out, threw a bunch of stuff away, went to Target and picked up a few clear, plastic shoeboxes and started organizing.

Then I tackled the foyer closet. I can't believe the things I found in there. I filled a trash bag and a bag for DAV.

It occurs to me that's what I'm trying to do with my life right now - go through everything, decide what's worth keeping, what's worth sharing and what I need to get rid of - the junk that's been accumulating over the years.

Cabinets and closets are a lot easier and quicker to sort through!! :)

The Little Girl Confused

Today, my heart breaks as I remember a little girl....

Who had the courage to say 'no'...

But lacked the physical strength to keep it from happening..

Who didn't understand...

And couldn't explain.

a little girl who began to carry a SECRET inside her...

Because she thought what happened was so bad she couldn't share - least of all with her parents

She wanted to cry but she couldn't - the SECRET might come out.

Sometimes at night while she slept, the little girl would scream -

(But she never remembered the dream so the secret never came out.)

I remember a little girl who suddenly wasn't so sure anymore about the world she lived in.....

And was confused about how she was supposed to feel

It 'FELT' like something 'BAD' had happened...

But What? It didn't hurt!

So maybe it WASN'T bad.

But if it WAS bad - it must be her fault. Because teachers and parents didn't do bad things. Only kids did.

MAYBE her feelings didn't work right, MAYBE she couldn't trust them -

And so she didn't.

She began to spend a lot of time by herself, she talked very little and became very shy...

Her friends didn't understand and little by little drifted away.

But she made one very good friend - a life long friend

Who she could laugh with...

and cry with......

and share secrets with.....

well, not THE SECRET....

She could not share that.

The Little Girl Who Was

Today, I remember with joy a little girl -

Who wore cut off jeans and over-sized T-shirts...

Who rode her bike as fast as she could pedal...

Who splashed in puddles...

Who played mumbly peg with her neighborhood friends and Red Rover, Red Rover at recess...

Who climbed trees as high as she could go..

Who was happy and friendly - and probably a little too full of herself

Who felt safe and trusted everyone - even teachers.

Today, I remember the little girl who was.