In case anybody out there is wondering, I'm here to tell you there is nothing EASY about healing from the effects of childhood sexual abuse.
I'm still working on it. Still going faithfully to a counselor every other week. My husband goes with me. I've healed on some levels but still have a ways to go on others. I am relearning touch and I am beginning to learn that touch is a 'good' thing. Sometimes now, I actually find myself 'wanting' to be touched which is not something I ever had any desire for before. My husband is being wonderfully patient! We are beginning to 'date' every week. We are putting some 'romance' back in our relationship. We seem to be rediscovering each other. And we are falling in love on a deeper level.
There is nothing EASY about healing from the effects of childhood sexual abuse. But it will be worth it. I have been a 'victim' since I was 10 years old. I am taking back my life. I will not die a victim. I will be the 'victor!'
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Baby Steps
It's slow going. I'm not a very patient person so 'slow-going' is hard for me. I want to be healed NOW!
I have to keep reminding myself that we ARE moving forward. We ARE going in the right direction. Maybe it's not going as fast as I want it to - but the progress isn't stagnant and it's not going backwards. Maybe this is good for me. I probably need to learn the value of persistence and patience.
There's been a lot in the local and national media about the priest abuse scandal. I'm not sure how ANYBODY can heal if the media keeps dredging up past mistakes on the part of the Church. YES - mistakes were made. YES - they were GRAVE mistakes and many innocent people have suffered. But most of those mistakes were made DECADES ago. Looking at how Church officials handled cases of sexual abuse so many years ago through the eyes of what we NOW know about pedophilia isn't productive. And to keep beating it in the ground is counter productive. The pope has apologized. The bishops have apologized. They have put policies and safeguards in place to keep it from happening again. There's nothing more they can do. They can't change the past. It's time to move on. It's time to heal. And we can't heal if we can't forgive. It's as simple as that. I'm sorry!
I have to keep reminding myself that we ARE moving forward. We ARE going in the right direction. Maybe it's not going as fast as I want it to - but the progress isn't stagnant and it's not going backwards. Maybe this is good for me. I probably need to learn the value of persistence and patience.
There's been a lot in the local and national media about the priest abuse scandal. I'm not sure how ANYBODY can heal if the media keeps dredging up past mistakes on the part of the Church. YES - mistakes were made. YES - they were GRAVE mistakes and many innocent people have suffered. But most of those mistakes were made DECADES ago. Looking at how Church officials handled cases of sexual abuse so many years ago through the eyes of what we NOW know about pedophilia isn't productive. And to keep beating it in the ground is counter productive. The pope has apologized. The bishops have apologized. They have put policies and safeguards in place to keep it from happening again. There's nothing more they can do. They can't change the past. It's time to move on. It's time to heal. And we can't heal if we can't forgive. It's as simple as that. I'm sorry!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Just once
Just once...I would like to have a 'feeling' or an 'instinct' and just go with it. Just once....I would like to KNOW instinctively that it's okay to feel a certain way. Just once.... I'd like to feel angry - and know I have a RIGHT to be angry.
Or - feel guilty - and know I SHOULD feel guilty.
Just once..... I'd like to know what it's like to trust myself.
Just once.
Or - feel guilty - and know I SHOULD feel guilty.
Just once..... I'd like to know what it's like to trust myself.
Just once.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Moving forward
My husband is the BEST. He really is.
Recently he started going to counseling with me. He'd rather take a beating than go to counseling. Actually, he'd rather take a beating than to just TALK about his feelings - with ME or anybody. But he goes. For ME, he goes. And he's working really hard at it. He's taking it seriously.
I am relearning touch. We're taking it very slow. It's a start. And we're moving forward.
God has blessed me with my husband. And - God is PLEASED with him. The LOVE we experience is a rarity these days. I am blessed to be a part of it.
Recently he started going to counseling with me. He'd rather take a beating than go to counseling. Actually, he'd rather take a beating than to just TALK about his feelings - with ME or anybody. But he goes. For ME, he goes. And he's working really hard at it. He's taking it seriously.
I am relearning touch. We're taking it very slow. It's a start. And we're moving forward.
God has blessed me with my husband. And - God is PLEASED with him. The LOVE we experience is a rarity these days. I am blessed to be a part of it.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Next Big Secret
Eventually, my husband started drinking more. I noticed that when he drank, he didn't expect anything from me. Secretly, I started to like it when he drank. It was a relief for me not to have to worry about whether or not we'd have to 'do it.' It got to the point that he drank every night.
I'm so ashamed. My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me. He loves me unconditionally and would do anything in the world for me. I'm so blessed. And I was content to sit back and watch him become an alcoholic rather than address my own problems. It doesn't matter that I didn't realize the root of the problem until recent years. What matters is that I KNEW I had a problem and sacrificed his health and well being rather than address it.
And now we had another secret to protect - his alcoholism. Well, it isn't a secret from everybody. Some people know the extent of his alcoholism. Others don't have a clue. It doesn't interfere with his daily living. He's never let me or the kids down in any way. It doesn't interfere with his work or his responsibilities to his family. He's always dependable. But what is he doing to his health? He's killing himself. And he does it to escape the pain of lack of intimacy.
I'm so ashamed. My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me. He loves me unconditionally and would do anything in the world for me. I'm so blessed. And I was content to sit back and watch him become an alcoholic rather than address my own problems. It doesn't matter that I didn't realize the root of the problem until recent years. What matters is that I KNEW I had a problem and sacrificed his health and well being rather than address it.
And now we had another secret to protect - his alcoholism. Well, it isn't a secret from everybody. Some people know the extent of his alcoholism. Others don't have a clue. It doesn't interfere with his daily living. He's never let me or the kids down in any way. It doesn't interfere with his work or his responsibilities to his family. He's always dependable. But what is he doing to his health? He's killing himself. And he does it to escape the pain of lack of intimacy.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Letting Go of the Next Big Secret
So, it's the New Year. Time for New Beginnings. Time to let go of past mistakes and embrace whatever life has in store for me.
What I remember best about that day is the way my whole body tensed. I didn't like him touching me there. It felt wrong. It felt 'nasty'. But maybe it wasn't supposed to feel that way. Maybe my feelings didn't work right. Something might be wrong with me.
But I was 10. It was too complicated for me to understand and too personal and scary for me to share with someone who may have been able to help me understand. As years went by, I seemed to forget how my body tensed and how the whole thing felt so wrong and nasty. The only thing that seemed to stick with me was that there was something wrong with me - that I couldn't trust my feelings. I was no longer aware of where that lack of confidence was born. I mean, I didn't forget the incident. I just didn't connect my lack of confidence with it. Nor would I connect other issues. Not for years to come.
The first time my husband touched me - well, he wasn't my husband yet. But it didn't 'feel' right. Every muscle in my body tensed. I didn't connect that reaction to the reaction I had so long ago. It just felt wrong. Maybe I was just scared.
I was anxious and did not become aroused. The penetration hurt. I was sure I would 'get use to it' with practice. But I never did.
Even after we were married I never became aroused. I think because as soon as he touched me, I tensed with anticipation. I couldn't enjoy the moment for fear of the pain that was about to follow. After awhile, I was careful not to reach out and touch him in anyway. I was afraid he would take the gesture as an invitation and I certainly wasn't 'inviting' that. I would go along with him, if that's what he wanted but I wasn't going to instigate it.
Within the first year and 1/2 we had our first child. After 8 years, we had 3. Our family was complete. Our marriage was not. It was good. Probably stronger that most marriages. But it was not complete. A 'complete' marriage includes a healthy sexual life. We did not have that - because I was unable to participate in a healthy way.
Sex seems to be a big part of our society. Everyone is doing it. Everyone enjoys it.
Except me. Something is wrong with me.
This was not something I could share with anyone else. It was too embarrassing. My husband knew something was wrong with me. But he did not betray my secret. He protected me. It became 'our' secret. And it was a big one. It has been a very heavy secret to carry around. At least it has been for me. It was a secret I felt I had to guard at all costs.
But now it's out there - a little bit anyway. My therapist knows. She knows ALL my secrets. And now, I've finally found the courage to post it here. (Not that anybody I know, knows I have this blog!) It's funny how letting go of a secret makes you feel somewhat lighter. It's like I've been holding my breath for years and finally I can exhale a little bit. I don't think I ever realized how tense these secrets have made me feel.
What I remember best about that day is the way my whole body tensed. I didn't like him touching me there. It felt wrong. It felt 'nasty'. But maybe it wasn't supposed to feel that way. Maybe my feelings didn't work right. Something might be wrong with me.
But I was 10. It was too complicated for me to understand and too personal and scary for me to share with someone who may have been able to help me understand. As years went by, I seemed to forget how my body tensed and how the whole thing felt so wrong and nasty. The only thing that seemed to stick with me was that there was something wrong with me - that I couldn't trust my feelings. I was no longer aware of where that lack of confidence was born. I mean, I didn't forget the incident. I just didn't connect my lack of confidence with it. Nor would I connect other issues. Not for years to come.
The first time my husband touched me - well, he wasn't my husband yet. But it didn't 'feel' right. Every muscle in my body tensed. I didn't connect that reaction to the reaction I had so long ago. It just felt wrong. Maybe I was just scared.
I was anxious and did not become aroused. The penetration hurt. I was sure I would 'get use to it' with practice. But I never did.
Even after we were married I never became aroused. I think because as soon as he touched me, I tensed with anticipation. I couldn't enjoy the moment for fear of the pain that was about to follow. After awhile, I was careful not to reach out and touch him in anyway. I was afraid he would take the gesture as an invitation and I certainly wasn't 'inviting' that. I would go along with him, if that's what he wanted but I wasn't going to instigate it.
Within the first year and 1/2 we had our first child. After 8 years, we had 3. Our family was complete. Our marriage was not. It was good. Probably stronger that most marriages. But it was not complete. A 'complete' marriage includes a healthy sexual life. We did not have that - because I was unable to participate in a healthy way.
Sex seems to be a big part of our society. Everyone is doing it. Everyone enjoys it.
Except me. Something is wrong with me.
This was not something I could share with anyone else. It was too embarrassing. My husband knew something was wrong with me. But he did not betray my secret. He protected me. It became 'our' secret. And it was a big one. It has been a very heavy secret to carry around. At least it has been for me. It was a secret I felt I had to guard at all costs.
But now it's out there - a little bit anyway. My therapist knows. She knows ALL my secrets. And now, I've finally found the courage to post it here. (Not that anybody I know, knows I have this blog!) It's funny how letting go of a secret makes you feel somewhat lighter. It's like I've been holding my breath for years and finally I can exhale a little bit. I don't think I ever realized how tense these secrets have made me feel.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Stalling
Wow! It's been a month since I posted last. It's the Christmas season and I've been busy. But I'm also stalling. The only things left to tell are the SECRETS. I'm embarrassed. I'm mortified. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do this.
Secrets take you prisoner, you know? They make you project a false self to the world. Everyone thinks you're pretty normal - but they don't know the REAL you. And if they did - what would they think?
The bad part is, I hide behind that false self because it's easier than confronting my REAL fears and emotions. The REAL me is fighting to come out. I think she's going to end up winning - but she's in for a pretty good fight!
Secrets take you prisoner, you know? They make you project a false self to the world. Everyone thinks you're pretty normal - but they don't know the REAL you. And if they did - what would they think?
The bad part is, I hide behind that false self because it's easier than confronting my REAL fears and emotions. The REAL me is fighting to come out. I think she's going to end up winning - but she's in for a pretty good fight!
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